I was recently having a conversation with a friend about her past relationship. It’s been a few years since she got divorced. I didn’t quite understand why after so many years she found it so hard to move on. She couldn’t find happiness and comfort within herself or with anyone else. As our conversation got a bit deeper, it came to me, I understood why she was in this state of mind.

Just a little history about my friend, she’s 35 yrs old, her father left when she was just a toddler, her mother remarried after some years, she watched her mother get divorced a 2nd time and have yet to remarry, my friend has been married twice, the 2nd divorce is what messed her up emotionally. My personal opinion is that my friend have yet to experience what having the unconditional love from another really feels like. You know the saying, “you are who you hang out with”, well I think this applies but in a reference to her environment. She grew up in an environment where stable relationships didn’t exist, she’s lived in several cities, and have yet to find a permanent place to call home, she doesn’t know what it’s like to know and feel in her heart that she won’t have to move again (physically and emotionally). She pretty much grew up in a world where stability was no where to be found, and for this reason, she has adapted without even knowing it.

She said something to me that made the light bulb light up bright as ever. In regards to her 2nd marriage, she said “I really hate him, I wish I never have let him into my heart. I have tried breaking up with him in the beginning, But he wouldn’t give up”.

After hearing this, it made me realize that the issue isn’t her ex, the issue is herself. In the past, it seems that every time she let someone into her heart, they left. So that resulted in having commitment issues. She’s afraid to love and let someone else love her for what she’s really worth. She watched her mother go through the same thing, which makes her feel that this is probably how her life is supposed to be. She’s basically afraid of losing loved ones. It seems as if she subconsciously tries to detach by breaking up before she can get hurt again, she distances herself which leads to some attention from her significant other, then there may be a disagreement or an argument with her significant other, she breaks up, she runs away from the problem rather than try to solve it, she leaves because she’s afraid that she may get left behind, she’s afraid that she’ll get a broken heart….so she tries to stay ahead of the “game” and impulse act rather than being secure, mature and in control of her emotions. She’s missing a lot that life has to offer by continuously running away!

She adapts and tries to dig deeper internally trying to find a way out, but she doesn’t realize that the only way out is for her to:

• Let go of the past and learn to take risks and chances
• Forgive herself and forgive her past, only then can she begin to move on
• Accept that even if she failed in the past, it doesn’t mean that she will fail again
• Understand that life is all about learning from our past experiences in hopes of making the present and future experience a happier one
• Stop jeopardizing each new relationship because of her fear of getting hurt or being left alone with a broken heart
• Accept the fails just as much as she can accept the success in other things
• Accept that mistakes and failures will happen, it’s the only way we can learn how to become a better person
• Understand that Life is short and wasting time on the past is taking away time from the present and future
• Understand that God doesn’t give a person more than they can handle
• Know that she is not the only person in this world to experience a difficult obstacle like this
• Appreciate the fact that she was lucky enough to have found love (most people spend their entire life searching for love)
• Become more of an optimist rather than a pessimist (stop looking at what once was, and start looking at what could be)

Now I am quite aware that most of you that is experiencing a similar situation will read this and may say “it’s easier said than done”, but I must let you know that It’s Only As Hard As You Make It And It Will Always Be As Easy As You Allow It To Be!!!

Hold on to what makes you happy, but let go of what makes you hurt!!!