Approximately 3 years ago from today, my marriage came to an end; I am now a divorced single mother of a 4 yr old. Everything happens for a reason and I am happy as ever now than I was then; but it took some time for me to get to this point. I never knew what I was missing until my entire world caved in and I had to build it back up by myself from ground zero.

After my divorce, I slipped into a depression stage, what got me out of that was my son, I noticed that he started to sense and adapt to my depression (at the time he was only 1), that’s when I had to snap out of it, trust me its a lot easier said than done! After a few months went by, I realized that my ex-husband had truly killed my self-esteem, its not all his fault; I am at blame as well for allowing another human being to make me think and feel any less of myself. The following are some things that made me realize how low my self-esteem was:

• I didn’t feel beautiful inside and out
• I didn’t feel sexy at all
• I lost my confidence
• I became very insecure about my body/physical appearance
• I felt the need to seclude myself from social gatherings
• I was afraid of being judged negatively
• I felt that everything I did wasn’t good enough
• I had no friends
• I didn’t know what it felt like to be appreciated
• I didn’t know what it felt like to be complimented
• I didn’t believe that I would be good enough for anyone else
• I felt lonely
• I didn’t know how to accept others in my life
• I hated what I saw in the mirror

After I realized that I was in pretty bad shape emotionally, I gathered my inner strength and decided to get my life back, I didn’t have any friends that I could talk to or even hang out with. So this is what I did….

• I created a MySpace account (I know, lame huh, but it worked)
• I slowly reunited with old friends that I went to High School with
• I started to meet new people, which eventually turned into great online friends
• I noticed that I had people in my life now (not including family)
• I kept myself busy with my friends
• I began to focus on my son and myself
• I started to actually attend social gatherings
• I learned how to accept compliments from others
• I noticed that I began to smile a lot more
• I spent time with myself doing what I wanted to do
• I took a trip out of state and visited a family member
• I went to bed with a smile
• I woke up with a smile
• I began to notice what I had in my life rather than what I didn’t have
• I bought new things that made my son and myself happy
• I started to write anything that came to my mind whether it was happy or sad thoughts
• I learned how to block out the negative thoughts and focus on the positive
• I am today a much more optimistic person than I was then
• I learned how to accept another person wanting to do something nice for me

I know these probably seem like really tedious things to do and you may not believe that this will work because it’s a lot easier said than done, but believe me, this is what worked for me. Everyone is different and I understand if you can’t relate or see my perspective, but if you feel that you do have low-self esteem, my advice is to at least try it, what have you got to lose, right?

Have you ever had the feeling that you fell off the path you were once on because of another? If this has happened to you, understand that it’s not your fault and this does happen unintentionally to many people, hence the saying “Love is Blind”….

You’ve allowed this person into every part of your life, it was something that just happened, at that time you had no control over your emotions, you went with the flow and it turned into love <3 that immediately resulted in a break-up. You felt nothing but confusion, anger, betrayal, cheated on, lied to, you felt like the dirt he/she walked on, you felt as if you didn’t matter, all that moments you shared in past didn’t matter, your world came to a halt, you started to feel resentment and hatred started to surface. Now at the time, you couldn’t control the way you felt, all of these emotions most likely don’t apply to this person’s character, but the responses and interactions you’ve had since the breakup is what brought these feelings out. These are all feelings that you try your best not reveal towards others because honestly you know the truth, and the truth is that you’re allowing your anger to take control.

Not only were you pushed off your path but also your entire personality may have started to change. I would suggest grabbing a notepad and begin to list of all your emotions. At times, writing is a great therapy to heal the mind, heart and soul. Sometimes you’re so overwhelmed mentally, writing it all down helps you clear some mental space. Reading what you have written at times will also help you realize what you may be doing wrong and shed some light on your path. At times, we all face difficult relationship obstacles, these are some emotions that you may have experienced or felt internally at the time:

• Assurance was given that he/she wanted a relationship
• He/she swept you off your feet
• You allowed him/her into every part of my life
• You gave your 100% trust
• You invested time
• He/she has turned into a cold-hearted person that you no longer know
• You felt that emotional connection then and still feel it now
• He/she wasn’t honest and upfront about emotions 100% of the time
• At times you felt as if you were taken for granted
• You start feeling resentment towards him/her
• He/she says you have every quality that a person looks for
• You fell for someone that has the heart to treat another human being this way
• You become indecisive about everything
• You’re broken-hearted
• He/she has feelings for you but chose to ignore it
• You’ve been fighting for something that was never yours
• You cried for someone that you don’t even know anymore
• You put yourself through this for someone that doesn’t deserve your tears
• You blame yourself for everything that went wrong…when in reality it takes 2

Emotionally this person has made you so angry inside that you had to seclude yourself from the world, don’t get me wrong, friends are there whenever you need an ear or a shoulder, but at times, you just weren’t ready to be socializing and meeting new friends. Build up that strength, go out with your friends, dance, socialize and have a good time. At the end of the night, you may find yourself thinking less and less of the person that broke your heart in the first place. Sometimes being with friends is the best therapy, but you have to be emotionally ready to drag yourself into the eyes of the public. There are other fishes in the sea and some of them deserve your love, attention, all that you have to give and the joy that you can bring into their life. On another note, you deserve someone that will accept you just the way you are, enjoy your company, respect your feelings towards trust, loyalty and honestly.

I’m a firm believer of Karma; I treat others the way I want to be treated. I usually give everyone the benefit of the doubt and maybe that’s my flaw…the fact that I trust in others a lot….I trust that they won’t hurt me, I trust that whatever they say to me is true and I never for a split second believe that they would ever deceive.

Things aren’t always the way it seems, people change, sometimes they change for the better and sometimes they change for the worse, but everyone is in control of their choices. I have made the choice to get back on that right path, forgive him for all that he put me through, forgive myself for all that I’ve put myself through and move on with my life. In short, no man is worth a woman’s tears…

I have always and will forever love this song:
Alicia Keys “A Woman’s Worth”

“If you treat me fairly, I’ll give you my goods…Treat you like a real woman should. Baby, I know you’re worth it. If you never play me, promise not to bluff. I’ll hold you down when it gets rough cause baby, I know you’re worth it”

“She rolls the mile; makes you smile, all the while being true; Don’t take for granted the passions that she has for you; you will lose, if you choose, to refuse to put her first; She will if she can find a man who knows her worth!”

Have you ever experienced any of the following:

• A past relationship that is impacting your existing relationship or may impact a future relationship
• Scared to love again, wonder if your heart can ever love again
• You’ve found another person that’s worth loving, but your stubborn scared heart won’t allow you to show it to that one person?
• In your existing relationship, you constantly tell yourself that you’re taking it one day at a time because your mentality is afraid of commitment

Well these are all understandable emotions, once a person has been emotionally hurt by someone they once loved, it makes it very difficult to express love like feelings towards another…

To paint a mental picture: you were hurt, now you are no longer depressed over the breakup and you’re ready to move on…after being single for a short time, you’ve found a person that compliments you in every way you can imagine, you honestly didn’t believe it was possible to find someone that you relate to as much as you do with this person. Things begin get a bit serious, your emotions for each other are flowing like a never ending river, your feelings start to develop but then, it suddenly comes to a halt and you build a wall around your heart, you now start distancing yourself, you find yourself withdrawing from the one person that you can actually see yourself falling in love with. Why do you think this happens?

There are a number of reasons why a person may feel like being distant, from my personal experience, I thought I’d write about the different phases that we all tend to experience some time or another which leads or may be the cause of distancing yourself from someone:

• Letting Go…
  The strong emotional feelings you started to develop for a new person in your life may have triggered the way you once felt in the past, the love you had for another, the happiness you felt, the joy another brought into your life. With that being said, you will always remember that great past relationship which came to a bitter end, your differences surfaced, you both realized that you no longer wanted to build a future together and thought that it would be best to continue your lives separately…Now, holding on to the way your past relationship ended, is definitely not fair to yourself and it’s not fair to your future relationship(s). It’s time…time release the past emotional connections in order to move forward.

• Learn to Accept…
  You now believe that if you allow yourself to indulge in happiness and to love a new person, you will someday be heartbroken again and being hurt is something that you will try avoid for as long as you possibly can. Take my advice, in order to once again find happiness within yourself, you must realize that being hurt is okay, it’s absolutely acceptable and it’s a part of life that you really can’t control!!!! If it was meant for a person to be heartbroken, trust me, it will happen in any way, shape or form, so trying to avoid being brokenhearted is going to be the result of you missing out on what could be some of the happiest moments in your life!!! So the sooner you can accept that there is a possibility of being hurt again, the sooner you can engage with another in sharing happiness and love. Accepting it doesn’t mean that it will happen, but being understanding to the fact that there is a chance it may happen is a great start of moving forward and facing your relationship fear. Allowing yourself to receive the love, joy and happiness another can provide for you is absolutely priceless. There are many in this world that wish dearly to have an opportunity to love like you have, so embrace it, don’t take it for granted, enjoy it, cherish it and run with it for all it’s worth!!!

• Have No Regrets…
  Have no regrets about being with anyone. If you have experienced a relationship that once made you happy but did eventually come  to a bitter end, well, have no regrets…learn and move on, why would anyone regret the past, if you weren’t with that person, then how would you have been able to enjoy the happy moments that person once brought into your life.

• Don’t Be Scared to Love again…
  Being scared of love is something that many can relate to if they have experienced a broken heart. But the stronger ones that move forward and love again, are the ones that allow themselves to experience true happiness all over again with another. Don’t let your past control your future, just because you had a bitter past doesn’t mean you can have a bitter future, think positive, be optimistic and apply the law of attraction. I believe that there is a path for each and every one of us to follow. There will always be obstacles thrown at us, it’s how we find our way through that matters.  Don’t be scared, being scared is only bringing more worries to your life and you may jeopardize a relationship with someone that is actually worth your while.

• Commitment…
  Commitment may exist without you even knowing it. If you are in a relationship but find yourself considering it as a “taking it one day at a time” relationship….well I have news for you, whether you would like to admit it or not, you have a commitment to another, its just your past encounters affecting your current situation and constantly making you second guess your emotions with your existing partner. You slowly develop a fear of admitting your  “commitment” to another. My advice on how to conquer this is to develop a mentality that will separate your past from your present and future. The need to understand that certain negative situations that may have occurred in your past, doesn’t necessarily mean it’s bound to repeat itself in your present/future relationship(s). Nothing is forever, but you can only imagine that it is, commitments can be a risk, but it should be a risk worth taking if you care enough for another, if the benefits of this risk will make your heart smile, then personally I feel that it’s all worth it.

“Love Like You’ve Never Loved Before”

“Love Like You’ve Never Been Hurt”

By: Sharlene Le

No one said divorce would be an easy obstacle, I lost my house, marriage and job all within a couple months, I thought my world was over, my life was vanishing, there was no moving on. Having that mentality is what caused me to slip into a depression stage, but surprisingly, somehow I managed to bounce back into the real world and I’ve never been happier.

I’d like to share with you how I recovered; this all started when I looked into my son’s eyes and saw how he felt my pain (he was ~18 months at the time, currently 4 yrs old). I’ve compiled a list (in random order), containing some tips on recovering from a divorce based on my personal experience.

Please read with an open mind and hopefully this will help someone see the light through this major difficult life obstacle they may be experiencing:

1. Accept your DIVORCE, don’t live in DENIAL (this is the 1st step to recovery)
2. Set your priorities and goals for your future (gives you something to look forward to and distracts your mind from living in the past)
3. Temporarily distance yourself from mutual friends (true friends will understand)
4. Temporarily avoid being at social events where there is a possibility that you may run into your past unless you feel that you are emotionally controlled
5. Change your daily routines (this is part of rebuilding the NEW you)
6. Start a hobby (keeping your mind preoccupied is a plus)
7. Create a new environment for yourself (If you once lived together, and you kept the home, reorganize the furniture in the living room, bedroom…etc.)
8. Box up anything in your home that reminds you of your past (pictures, gifts, etc.)
9. Invest in a new mattress (helps with your mentality, this way when you lay down at night, you won’t have past memories as you would if it were the same mattress)
10. Surround yourself with positive people (friends and family, this helps to build your self esteem and motivate you)
11. Talk about your feelings (discuss the way you feel with friends and family, ask for advice and opinions, it helps to let it all out rather than keeping it inside)
12. Begin the dating scene (meeting new individuals or even making new friends will help to preoccupy your mind)
13. Become your own person (your independency must shine now, start your new world/life)
14. Enjoy your time with your child, and understand that your child will be happy if you are happy!
15. Have NO REGRETS (you can’t change the past, but you can accept it and move on to what the future holds)
16. Don’t live in the past, enjoy your present and plan for your future!
17. Understand that Divorce is unfortunately a common thing, and you are not the first and you are not the last to experience this. So many were able to close this chapter of their life and so can you

What if you have children?

Flickr image by: pinksherbet

Children can sense when a parent isn’t happy, as long as both parents remain happy in the child’s eyes, then everything will fall into place. There will be a time when your child wants to know why can’t he/she have mommy and daddy in the same house; my advice is based on the age of the child. My 4 yr old son recently asked me that question, and my response to him was: “well sweetheart, mommy wanted her own house and daddy wanted his own house, and now you have 2 houses you can live at”, he’s happy with that response for the moment. As children get older, they will understand more and more, but always keep in mind, Do Not Speak Negatively Of The Other Parent to your child, he/she doesn’t want to hear negative things regarding his mother or father.

Please understand that it is not your fault, you can’t change something that wasn’t meant to be. Everyone must experience some type of major heartache(s) in their lifetime, and this one maybe yours. Your mentality sets your future, be OPTIMISTIC and move on, this is the only thing and the best thing you can do for your self and for your child/children if any.

“EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON”, just keep repeating this to yourself every time you’re feeling down. You’ll be amazed at how soon you will be ready to close this chapter of your life and be 100% ready to begin the next chapter.

HAVE NO REGRETS! Know that you gave it your all and it just wasn’t the right path for you to follow, which now brings you one step closer to finding that one path that was meant for you. Learn from your mistakes and again…move on!!!

This is the mentality that I maintained throughout my divorce period, I honestly hope that this can help at least one person out there who may be experiencing a divorce or even a breakup from a long-term relationship.

“Good luck and keep your head up”

By: Sharlene Le